I have another issue and I didn’t even post about the last issue I had. It’s like my life has become a never-ending procession of things to feel bad about.
This week I’ve been stupidly weepy. I’ve been chalking it up to PMS and poor reading choices – particularly “Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All!” and “My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy.” Neither of them left me feeling particularly enthusiastic about motherhood, a subject I already feel poorly about. I spent hours suffering from insomnia (a rare malady in my life, trust me) and crying, then being sleepy and crying followed by crying on the train, crying in my husband’s home office and crying in my lovely ladies arms. I didn’t have any particular reason for crying other than out of control hormones, but at least I knew I was being an idiot .
Just when my period arrives and my tears dry up on their own accord, life gives me something to actually cry about. Although, I may be a little premature in dismissing my hormones, since I cried at World Gay Pride after hearing that an old man was crying because he was so happy that something like Pride could happen nowadays.
Where things started going wrong
The hubby, future wife and I were having a lovely time at pride when we left for a party. It was relaxing and enjoyable after the chaos of Soho square. While dancing I hear a woman saying quite loudly to my lady “that’s like you are sucking his dick!” Oh no, another person commenting about our polyamorous relationship, and not in a good way. I saunter over (sauntering being a regular habit of mine) and lightly add, “there is nothing wrong with sucking a little dick”. I smile, but she doesn’t find it funny. My fiance turns toward me and says “she’s just been telling me how I’m an idiot, blinded by love for being with you in this situation”. I’ve heard it before, I’ve heard it so many times before but my hormones surge one last time and tears spring to my eyes. I have no idea how they can be so fast, but there they are, glistening in the corners of my eyes. Maybe they should try out for the Olympics.
I leave, quite upset. My husband finds me and we talk. I knew I was being silly – you can’t worry about how other people feel. But maybe she’s right. Maybe my fiance is an idiot for staying with me, after all, it is only me and what do I have to offer her? What do I have to offer anybody? I’m insecure about this because I’m sometimes insecure about myself. But really, it was nothing to cry about, that was just silly.
An unexpected turn
Then, the woman who just trashed my relationship takes my fiance outside, tells her that she likes her, puts a scarf over their heads and kisses her.
My girlfriend tells me right away (as per our rules). I am upset, but not crying upset. Just quite irritated. What business do you have kissing my girlfriend if you hold our relationship in such low regard? Kiss her, but don’t trash us.
Later, one of the girl’s friends pulls my lady aside and says “come here, I have to show you something!” I know, immediately that something is up. I go inside and my fiance is nowhere to be seen. When I ask the woman who pulled her aside “where is my fiance?” she says “ I think she left with your husband.” Lies. I knew she didn’t, I saw my husband leave to get food, alone. I know this woman knows where my fiance is, but she won’t tell me.
I hate to say this, but I start panicking. I feel hot and sick and silly and where, oh where is my fiance? I need to splash my face with water. The bathroom is locked. There are voices in the bathroom. My fiance is in there. In the bathroom, with the woman who kissed her. The woman who completely disparaged my relationship. They are locked in the bathroom together, alone.
I knock on the door and they don’t come out. I am agitated. Upset. Why is this happening? I ask the gal that took my girl to “see something” why she took her to the bathroom to talk to that girl? She lies to me and says she didn’t, that my girl isn’t in there.
I am so upset. So agitated. I’m upset typing this now. I feel so dumb, and silly. Like everyone played a big joke on me they all found funny, but I wasn’t in on it. It’s like middle school. I can’t cope with all the secretiveness and poorly played intrigue.
And why is my fiance giving the time of day to someone who doesn’t respect our relationship?
Talking to the other party
I made the mistake of talking to the woman afterward and I knew it was a mistake as soon as she started talking. Oh no, she doesn’t want my girl, she doesn’t know why my girl was interested in her or why she kissed her (oh, she kissed you?), she can’t even remember her name – see how much she doesn’t want to be with her?. Everything is reversed. I can see she’s lying and I just want her to stop talking to me. But I sit and listen to her and she tries to get met to talk. I don’t oblige in the way she wants. I can’t. She doesn’t understand what I am upset about at all, and there is no use explaining it to her.
So why am I upset? I am upset that she felt the need to try to take what she wanted out of our relationship by hacking a piece off. I’m upset that she trashed our relationship to try to make herself look better, instead of just being content that she could enjoy her openly and honestly. I’m upset about the childish secrecy. I’m ashamed and mortified. I’m hurt.
Even worse, after talking to the woman I’m jealous. I knew she was lying but it still played with my head. Why would my girlfriend want to talk with her and kiss her after she was so negative about us? Why wouldn’t that turn her off? Why can’t I trust that my girlfriend didn’t initiate this all, even though I know she didn’t intellectually? Even if she did initiate this, why should I be jealous? People finding you attractive is attractive.
I wish it wasn’t such a jerk that found my love so attractive. I wish everyone had kept everything out on the table and open instead of silly secrecy. I wish I didn’t feel so bad and foolish. But it wasn’t and they didn’t and I do.
So how should I feel? And how should I handle this in the future?